I cannot speak about most or even some childhood friends that may have had struggles regarding the effects of childhood. I can only tell you my story from my own perspective and go from there.

Growing up it was not allowed or thought of to share tribulations of childhood pain. At least in my house. Sharing one’s loneliness, confusion, and strife was not shared or you did not think about asking for help. You had to walk around pretending everything was great. Live in the shadows of others and not cause any waves that would cost you weeks of silence.

I was one out of five children, the last one. I was not planned or even a glint in anyone’s eye. I was the oops in OMG I am pregnant. It was a very bad pregnancy for my mother because I decided to come out ass first. It was King’s hospital where nurses used roller skates to get around this one-level hospital floor. Interesting huh?

The story goes in 1966, our family cat laid down at my mother’s feet and died. Then my mother went into labor, her water broke, and it was time. My Dad scooped up the cat and put it in the trunk of the car. Did not bury it until I was born. My parents were very superstitious. Yep, true story.

My mother was 36 when she had me, I was a toe-headed kid with large green eyes. I have to say I was cute as a baby. Chubby little thing. This is where my story began. Crazy as most people may think, I believe from the spirit world we choose our parents, parents do not choose the child.

I chose my mother for a reason, whether living another life to figure out what I needed to understand from the last one or maybe this is my first life of many more lives to come. It is apparent from my multiple lives statement I do believe in reincarnation. I believe once the spirit leaves the body it stores all the lives, personalities, struggles, strengths, and weaknesses to strive to have a better understanding of existence and reach an ultimate destination of perfection.

Think about it isn’t that what we try to accomplish on Earth? From my observation, most try to accomplish wealth, material things, and a large volume of friends to be known for their self-perfection, self-worth. Something I know nothing about.

The reason I know nothing about those kinds of self-perfections is I never saw the value of categorizing a human being to that type of worth or success. However, when being around certain individuals you can get into that type of thought or pattern. Yes, do I want to make sure I do not live under a bridge down by the river, sure. But what if I did should I care what society deems appropriate.

If a man digs a ditch and gives it 110% isn’t that the same value of a man trading stocks on wall street at a 110%. Why should one be less important or thought of as less valued…this is what I do not get. How as a society we put a value on certain jobs, bank accounts, and so forth.

From my childhood, I always felt disconnected. Probably due to the separation of ages from my siblings and me. It felt there was something I needed to learn but heartbreak from growing up got in the way. So, I guess I am trying to figure it out now. It seems my oldest brother and I had a lot in common in that respect. We were different with a lot of social awkwardness. Never had a lot of friends because I never knew how to go about it. Didn’t know the rules of having friends. The give and take I didn’t understand the dynamics. Even to this day I still don’t comfortably get it.

I guess when people talk about all these friends or having a lot of friends can one truly achieve that type of life with friends. When I have gone out with “friends”, more like acquaintances. There is usually a lot of drinking, eating, talking about one’s wealth, things, politics, and so forth, no real depth.  So, again topics I cannot relate to, so therefore social awkwardness sets in. Sometimes I think I should have literally been raised with monks. I think I would have fit in.

But then is that running away? Not facing one’s own self. Or is it how I feel like a human being and that’s how I am. Is that self, is that who I am.

So, this estranged personality I have developed as an adult has spilled over to doubt. I have attracted the wrong energy but how do I get off this hamster wheel. Where and how do I start new? I want to pack up all my childhood insecurities, heartbreak, and remorse and remove it from my brain and set it on fire.

Until I can get to know myself again and figure out who I am I do not want to keep repeating the same cycle. Because I do not want to attract the wrong energy anymore.

Do I think of myself as a bad person? Absolutely not. Do I see value in me? Absolutely yes. But do I feel confused, awkward, and scared of relationships? You bet.

What has this taught me? To use patience. Not to be hard on myself. Let go of one struggle each day and be mindful to not think about it again. The river will carry it away, by forgiving myself and others. Understand people that are no longer with me whether by their choice or mine to let them go and know it is someone higher than me that saw something I couldn’t.

This is my first daily journey for a healthier me.

This journey is not for self, it is to share self for those that may have had a similar journey. We are a global community and sometimes sharing is a better alternative. There are no failures there are only circumstances that we are a part of. Our path encourages learning, healing, and resolving.

The spirit of life is in constant flux which is exciting and the best ride of all. Gain knowledge by using change as a motivational word.