My Mother, COVID, reality, pain, denial, and making peace

Mastering life’s challenges were supposed to be keeping a job, raising children, staying committed to your spouse, retirement, finding time for yourself, and so on…

Who could have fathomed the number one life challenge that was staying alive, health prevention, and avoidance of others due to COVID? It is so surreal. Is this really happening?

The statistics were overwhelming in 2020. Who could have guessed COVID, vaccines, and human rights would be at war with one another?

From personal experience, did I know people that had COVID, yes? Did I know of someone dying of COVID, no? Not until now.

My parents both had iconic deaths. No, they were not famous, but they were part of societal impact that most would not want to remember due to the horror.

In the nineties, my father contracted AIDS and died. He was part of the movement of frustration, knowing the end was near, and results were not coming fast enough for a permanent remedy. It was a painful death. Filled with morphine and the agony of waiting.

My mother and father were divorced when I was three years of age. But my father is an important part of who I am, like all children parents have an influence.

I remember my father visiting my mother. They shared a piece of apple pie. My father apologized for a certain part of the past where he felt he contributed to her hurt feelings of anger and regret. My father was bisexual.

My mother died of COVID pneumonia, January 2022. The best part of this story is that I got to speak with my mother in private, where she let me know, she loves me always and always. Whereas my dad I did not get that chance to express my love for him or he for me.

But with my mother I got to, and that my friends make it the best way to leave someone. Like my dad, the hospital gave her morphine, and oxygen until the end.

Everyone remembers their parents being a certain way, that they admire, look up to, and strive to take the good parts for furthering their life. I am no different. I went to funerals when I was ten years of age.

Because of the death of aunts and uncles due to cancer. Cancer is a BITCH. I never saw such a horrendous, awful state of human decay. When my last aunt died, I haven’t been to a funeral since. That’s been like 20 or more years.

I recently attended my mother’s funeral where someone spoke that didn’t even know her. It was extremely weird. Being the last child and because there is a large age difference between my four siblings and myself, I did not get to have a say in the service for my mother’s death. I had to sit there and listen to a stranger talk about how people are not perfect. What? I am not kidding. It was awful.

However, I was pleasant, kind, and I saw a couple of family members that I haven’t seen since I was little. My mother would have been thrilled they were there.

I guess with COVID, the reality is hitting us in the face. “It is Real”. Pain and denial seem like they could be avoided like my dad. I feel that way towards my mom. It’s like they didn’t have to go, just yet. My peace started when after the service I went to my mother’s house.

She was not there even in spirit. The house was an empty shell. That’s when I knew she was gone, there was no return. It was not a dream. What happened was real.

I can tell you from personal experience attending funerals throughout my childhood and knowing loved ones that left this earth, I never remember the bad stuff. I only remember the good stuff. The people I admire, hold dear, and the influence they have on my life. That is where the peace comes in. It is how I feel right now.

My dad, mother, aunts, uncles, and grandparents were great, tremendous people that have a positive influence on me. I am grateful to share with you, so if there is anger in your heart try, really try to let go and only extract the good parts that will keep you going.

It is okay to feel anger, hurt, or confusion but in the end that light everyone talks about will surround you and the good stuff will be there. Give it time, your time. Do not rush, do not have people tell you how to mourn, feel, you will find the way to see clearly on your schedule.

This is my third daily journey for a healthier me.

This journey is not for self, it is to share self for those that may have had a similar journey. We are a global community and sometimes sharing is a better alternative. There are no failures there are only circumstances that we are a part of. Our path encourages learning, healing, and resolving.

The spirit of time does not die at all. Tie me, tie me or I shall fly away. Gain knowledge by using time as a motivational word.

Relationships the good, bad, and ugly. Remember the reason you picked him, or he picked you.

A friend and I met each other for a road trip. I could tell something was off. Basically, it was a trip of her complaining about her husband.

I get it she needed me to confide in, and I was there for her. But what’s amazing is this sudden road trip was because I was the best person to understand her disgruntle behavior. Because I have yet to have a healthy, positive relationship that didn’t go up in flames? So, I must know a thing or two…wrong.

Bit of a back story, my marriage did not work. I left and decided marriage was not my cup of tea. Why be with someone yucky, to the point of sacrifice or self-destruction. The sacrifice is too great, it is not for me. I would rather wait, keep trying to be better and get to know me through my daily journey for a lifetime instead of a lifetime of doubt, struggle, or pain.

This is what I think, feel deep down to my core. The first rule for me, is to follow this simple step. Talking badly to point of crazy about your husband, boyfriend, lover, the person you decided above anyone else to marry, date, or give yourself to is wrong. It is reverse too. Men that talk badly about their wife, girlfriend, or lover to other men are wrong.

I think and wish I would have done this simple thing, which is to talk and set up honest, true ground rules that are unbreakable between a couple. Make playing fair, fair. People that love each other should not go for the jugular. Not a pretty sight.

Yes, I was that girl, and I was good at it when pushed. But I had to remember I let it happen and I could have either walked away or just stopped.

I have hurt people and I have let people hurt me. I let it happen. To remove yourself from negativity is okay. It is not stating you are a failure, or you must prove that you are better by keeping talking and making a situation worse. I learned proving my point was stupid, unnecessary, and pointless. I was not that person deep down. I did not start that way.

When you are in a spiral, you become someone you do not know. You feel trapped and worn out.

So how did I help my friend of 25 years? First, nothing is one-sided, sometimes people that are hurt make everything one-sided, and it is not. There is always contribution that was brought by the two people that became the center of chaos.

Some complaints were about his family, her making more money than him, paying all the bills, him being fat, it went on…

The best thing I could do was listen. But every chance she got she was on the phone with him. Hey, I have been there. You are so afraid of being without that person, and you need to vent but throwing the person under the bus with cruelty and disdain is not the proper way to handle your feelings or make the relationship stronger. There is a breaking point.

Turns out whatever the common denominator was she is still with him today. Is it healthy, I do not know? Whenever I talk to her, her life is a magical land filled with unicorns. Her life is a fairytale, so I guess so, maybe? I am not going to probe, prod, or question. I will accept it as a yes.

I want to be a good friend. But I am not the friend that will tell you, you are right all the time. I will listen, but she signed up for the “you are mine, and I am yours” clause. So, she must recognize, become self-aware of her part, and how she has contributed to the outcome of their instability. As well as he (her husband) must do the same.

This is the hardest part. Who wants to admit to being at fault? No one I know. It is the hardest thing for a couple to admit, strive to resolve, and play fair long-term.

I have been around a few married couples that do not play fair and use petty, minuscule things that escalate by starting with sarcasm until it becomes a loud mess. It is sad to watch, and it is very uncomfortable.

The brain is the key to self-control, not the heart of love. It is your brain that sets you up. For example, childhood insecurities that you want the other person to fix. But the thing is you have not had the courage to fix it yourself. So why put the strain on the other person. Aren’t we supposed to remove the baggage so each person may carry the same weight and help each other with equal footing?

So, I guess, people are complicated. Life happens. But I only wish if I get another chance of being with someone it is someone that plays fair, wants to be on a unified team, and is mindful of what they say.

Not only is the pen mightier than the sword, but words can cut as deep as a sword. I know I do not ever want to be that person. Don’t be that person. Find your balance and go from there.

This is my second daily journey for a healthier me.

This journey is not for self, it is to share self for those that may have had a similar journey. We are a global community and sometimes sharing is a better alternative. There are no failures there are only circumstances that we are a part of. Our path encourages learning, healing, and resolving.

The spirit of life is in constant flux which is exciting and the best ride of all. Gain knowledge by using unity as a motivational word.

My first daily journey. Finding out more about me.

I cannot speak about most or even some childhood friends that may have had struggles regarding the effects of childhood. I can only tell you my story from my own perspective and go from there.

Growing up it was not allowed or thought of to share tribulations of childhood pain. At least in my house. Sharing one’s loneliness, confusion, and strife was not shared or you did not think about asking for help. You had to walk around pretending everything was great. Live in the shadows of others and not cause any waves that would cost you weeks of silence.

I was one out of five children, the last one. I was not planned or even a glint in anyone’s eye. I was the oops in OMG I am pregnant. It was a very bad pregnancy for my mother because I decided to come out ass first. It was King’s hospital where nurses used roller skates to get around this one-level hospital floor. Interesting huh?

The story goes in 1966, our family cat laid down at my mother’s feet and died. Then my mother went into labor, her water broke, and it was time. My Dad scooped up the cat and put it in the trunk of the car. Did not bury it until I was born. My parents were very superstitious. Yep, true story.

My mother was 36 when she had me, I was a toe-headed kid with large green eyes. I have to say I was cute as a baby. Chubby little thing. This is where my story began. Crazy as most people may think, I believe from the spirit world we choose our parents, parents do not choose the child.

I chose my mother for a reason, whether living another life to figure out what I needed to understand from the last one or maybe this is my first life of many more lives to come. It is apparent from my multiple lives statement I do believe in reincarnation. I believe once the spirit leaves the body it stores all the lives, personalities, struggles, strengths, and weaknesses to strive to have a better understanding of existence and reach an ultimate destination of perfection.

Think about it isn’t that what we try to accomplish on Earth? From my observation, most try to accomplish wealth, material things, and a large volume of friends to be known for their self-perfection, self-worth. Something I know nothing about.

The reason I know nothing about those kinds of self-perfections is I never saw the value of categorizing a human being to that type of worth or success. However, when being around certain individuals you can get into that type of thought or pattern. Yes, do I want to make sure I do not live under a bridge down by the river, sure. But what if I did should I care what society deems appropriate.

If a man digs a ditch and gives it 110% isn’t that the same value of a man trading stocks on wall street at a 110%. Why should one be less important or thought of as less valued…this is what I do not get. How as a society we put a value on certain jobs, bank accounts, and so forth.

From my childhood, I always felt disconnected. Probably due to the separation of ages from my siblings and me. It felt there was something I needed to learn but heartbreak from growing up got in the way. So, I guess I am trying to figure it out now. It seems my oldest brother and I had a lot in common in that respect. We were different with a lot of social awkwardness. Never had a lot of friends because I never knew how to go about it. Didn’t know the rules of having friends. The give and take I didn’t understand the dynamics. Even to this day I still don’t comfortably get it.

I guess when people talk about all these friends or having a lot of friends can one truly achieve that type of life with friends. When I have gone out with “friends”, more like acquaintances. There is usually a lot of drinking, eating, talking about one’s wealth, things, politics, and so forth, no real depth.  So, again topics I cannot relate to, so therefore social awkwardness sets in. Sometimes I think I should have literally been raised with monks. I think I would have fit in.

But then is that running away? Not facing one’s own self. Or is it how I feel like a human being and that’s how I am. Is that self, is that who I am.

So, this estranged personality I have developed as an adult has spilled over to doubt. I have attracted the wrong energy but how do I get off this hamster wheel. Where and how do I start new? I want to pack up all my childhood insecurities, heartbreak, and remorse and remove it from my brain and set it on fire.

Until I can get to know myself again and figure out who I am I do not want to keep repeating the same cycle. Because I do not want to attract the wrong energy anymore.

Do I think of myself as a bad person? Absolutely not. Do I see value in me? Absolutely yes. But do I feel confused, awkward, and scared of relationships? You bet.

What has this taught me? To use patience. Not to be hard on myself. Let go of one struggle each day and be mindful to not think about it again. The river will carry it away, by forgiving myself and others. Understand people that are no longer with me whether by their choice or mine to let them go and know it is someone higher than me that saw something I couldn’t.

This is my first daily journey for a healthier me.

This journey is not for self, it is to share self for those that may have had a similar journey. We are a global community and sometimes sharing is a better alternative. There are no failures there are only circumstances that we are a part of. Our path encourages learning, healing, and resolving.

The spirit of life is in constant flux which is exciting and the best ride of all. Gain knowledge by using change as a motivational word.